9/23/16
Suddenly, two months post diagnosis I find myself once again torn by a question I thought I had put on hold. How do I get out of the house and find professional fulfillment. I had just started to think about that question as Talia was growing. Knowing she was my last kid I knew the time was coming when I would go back to work, but after her diagnosis I assumed I was putting that on a serious hold. I'm Talia's comfort and everything, so I'm in it until it ends, but she's not giving much back these days. It doesn't matter if I play with her, she's content doing nothing in my arms. She's primitive. She wants to eat and sleep. She smiles and laughs sometimes, but mainly it's her that makes the laughter happen. When I notice she's ready to be stimulated, I tickle her and she laughs. Then that moment ends and the rest is spent watching her tear at paper happily and then rub her eyes. In a way, it's good to know that I'm not letting myself get consumed by Talia completely. It's the same old mom struggle with a twist: how can I be there completely for my children while also having something for myself. The answer could lie in turning her disease into a cause, and I certainly may do that, but I also want to be true to myself as a separate human being who had wants and desires pre-Nathan, Audrey and Talia. At the moment, the only thing that makes sense to me is theater, and the arts in general. There are things so painful they can't be spoken, but they can still be expressed through other means. Maybe my professional satisfaction is to be found somewhere in the realm of the arts. For now, I'll go back to listening to soundtracks and trying not to cry at their beauty!
