10/23/16
Is it my responsibility to write my experience? It's unique, but not nearly unique enough. As I research I see that there are too many stories written by bereaved parents about their experience. How do we all survive? Do all of us succumb to depression? Is all of our happiness tinged with sadness? I hope not. I hope to live pure happy times without the outside view of myself as "finding joy amidst the sadness". I want the maintain my ability to understand good times as they happen and to be purely in the moment. As a side note, I also want to be able to focus on something (anything) for long enough to fully complete it. Even writing this piece requires me to attend to something for longer than I feel able to do.
I just read a piece in the times about a father whose daughter was killed at age two by a stone that fell off a building. Death can come at any time and destroy the image of your family that we all hold to. Talia's death isn't coming suddenly, its coming excruciatingly slowly. Its a slow moving train and she's tied to the tracks powerless to stop it. We all see the headlights, but have no idea of the rate of speed. Is it going to be tomorrow? Unlikely since I made her laugh today. It was not the laugh of someone at death's door, so every day I reassess her timeline and remind myself to bank this good day in my memory.