It's your second birthday, the first one since you've gone. I wish I had a new photo to post of you enjoying cake rather than the one I've got. In the one month without you and I've learned a lot. I've learned that even having a year to prepare for your death doesn't fully take the sting away from losing you. I've learned that my family, from the small circle to extended relatives to neighbors and old friends has drawn together tighter than I ever could have imagined as a result of your life. I've learned that grief and loss is a lifelong condition, and I don't need to feel it all in one week. Mostly I've learned, or relearned what I already knew- that your life, no matter how small or short, had an impact on a wider array of people than many older wiser people.I miss you and I'm also happy to say- I don't miss you. I miss holding your sweet body and feeling your love melt onto me. I miss seeing Audrey and Nate interact with you. I don't miss seeing you decline, I don't miss having conversations with strangers about my sleepy child and I don't miss constantly talking about death. My body misses your weight, but my arms are also free now to throw Audrey in the air and to play catch with Nathan. I feel you most in those interactions. I know my newfound ability to be fully present for your siblings is your birthday gift to us.My gift to you is I'm going to honor your life the best way I know how- I'm going to keep on living. I'm going to keep sharing your story in the hopes it can give strength to other families in crisis. I'm going to keep raising money to the Talia Lynn Steckman Fund so I can help provide quality pediatric palliative care in Albany and beyond. I'm going to parent your brother and sister with deep love, clear eyed optimist realism and with a long memory of you. We have planted a tree at Eagle Elementary so you can watch over your siblings as they play at school. We will keep you alive in our hearts and we look forward to seeing you in the sun and the shadows, and in the breeze through the leaves. We will feel your laughter as we throw rocks in the many streams we come across on our many hikes. We will love you best by loving each other in every minute of everyday. Happy Birthday Talia Taco!
